meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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