If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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