when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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