Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
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He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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