Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
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Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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