Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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