Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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