hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
