Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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