The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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