I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
