You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
