is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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