I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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