those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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