I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
