Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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