I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
