dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
