I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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