Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
