weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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