I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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