We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
