Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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