toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
