well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
