Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
