If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
