she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
