Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
