I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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