my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
