She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
