I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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