i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
