I love black thongs
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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