I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
