You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
