considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
