fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
