i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
