I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
