i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
