When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
