I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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