phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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