Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
