I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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