wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
