ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
two words...techno handjob
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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