and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
