I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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