a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
