i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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