when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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